BodyLove Project

This semester I am taking an Intro to Nutrition class, and it's been a mind-blowing experience this far.  

 I decided to listen to a podcast called "BodyLove". The episode I chose to listen to was called  

https://www.jessihaggerty.com/blog/blp17 "Katie Dalebout on Healing Through Journaling, Dealing with Bad Body Image Days, and Being Uncomfortable."  

This podcast really spoke to me in several different ways, so I chose to break it down into a few smaller topics, based on my comparisons of what I got from the episode.  

 BODY IMAGE 

In high school and growing up, I always felt a little inadequate when compared with other people.  I was an average weight for my height. Not underweight, not overweight. Just average. And that was okay with me. I maintained an active teenage lifestyle and felt okay with life.  

 Now, as a 22-year-old engaged to the love of her life, my mindset has changed. I still fight the feelings of being inadequate in comparison to those around me. I still struggle with the cultural acceptance of what a pretty girl is.  

I've learned that being pretty and feeling good about yourself is more about how you personally feel and not how others perceive you. As long as you're happy with who you are and what you are, that should be all that matters.  

 My fiance' Bryant has helped me combat those feelings of inadequacy. He has given me a sense of self-confidence back that had been destroyed before I met him. That had been shattered because of my failed relationships with other people, which egg-ed me on for self-pity. I thought that my failed relationships were because I wasn't the stereotype of what I was sure at the time every guy wanted.  

 Katie talks about how "being cognizant and accepting the realization of gradual progress of who we picture ourselves being is going to take TIME." I absolutely agree. It is something that isn't going to happen overnight and isn't going to happen without putting in the necessary work.  

 RELATIONSHIP TO FOOD 

I can say that college has personally shaped how I feel about food. As my college years have progressed, I’ve found a healthier relationship to food than I’ve ever had before. I’ve realize that eating healthier has made me a brand-new me.   

 Now as I'm preparing to become a wife, I've found that I not only eat a lot healthier, but I have a strong desire to eat healthier. Bryant and I have fun making food in the kitchen together, laughing together, joking about each other's cooking, and genuinely enjoy one another's company.  

I feel that I am beginning to feel like I can love myself again, especially as I start a new chapter and adventure in my life. I'm excited to start learning how to be comfortable with my body just the way it is.  

 Shout-out to Jessi with the BodyLove podcast for her awesome guests and for Katie for giving me the confidence to journal it out and be the best version of myself I know how to be.  

  

God's Awareness of Our Needs

God is super aware of our needs, even when we don't think he is.

I've been a part of the Girls State program in Idaho for 6 years now, and what an incredible 6 years it's been. I couldn't imagine my life without such an amazing program. My life has been changed, and I'd like to think I've been a part of that change for many other girls I've had the opportunity to mentor.

I'd managed to convince myself that I would be that forever media co-chair or forever Junior Counselor that would stick to the position that I knew best, and wouldn't ever have to level up. (even though I knew that would never be true.)

I remember emailing the director for this year, and as she asked me which areas I wanted to work in, I told her I would love to be a Junior Counselor or Counselor in Training. She told me she would try to make it work, but she kept telling me that I would most likely be a counselor this year. I had a really hard time believing that someone with as little Junior Counselor experience as I had would be a counselor so soon. I couldn't believe they were going to put me in charge of a whole city of girls. It's quite a charge for someone so young. In fact it took a whole lot of the Girls State community standing behind me cheering for me to help me realize that I could do it. That I had power and that I would be able to help these girls.

It wasn't until I got the phone call yesterday that I realized this was something I could do. That I'd had the skill set and drive all along to be able to help these girls realize their strength that I didn't think I possessed before. I feel connected to a group of girls I haven't even met yepotential.The stress and anxiety I'd been feeling for so long melted away. The feelings of love that followed were incredible. I felt at peace. I felt like I had been given a strength I didn't possess before. I started feeling at peace. I feel so much love for them, and I won't even know their names until right before Girls State this June.

I share this because I feel it connects on a deeper level to my personal life as well. My bishop and his sweet wife led a really good discussion in our ward Relief Society today, that focused on the devotional given by Elder Uchtdorf last month to the young adults of the church. I hadn't read it before church, but the comments that were shared by Bishop and Sister Nielsen were so good, I knew that the rest of the talk would be one I definitely needed in my life at this exact moment. So I came home after an emotional day of church, and listened to the talk. I was right. It was exactly what I needed.

Elder Uchtdorf shared many personal insights of how our lives and our situations are connected dot by dot. The dot we are currently at in life is connected by dots of our past experiences. One dot by one dot, we find that the places we've been and the experiences we've had lead us to our future dots, and the dots we are currently at in our life journey.

I found this to be particularly accurate of my leadership journey and why Girls State has greatly impacted me getting there. Meeting one particular counselor who told me about the Junior Counselor program, and had me hooked from the first sentences. My experiences as a Media Co-chair for so many years, coupled with my year and a half of Junior Counselor experiences under the direction of two awe-inspiring counselors, led me to this point.

I've been prepared all along for this specific experience. I've been shaped and molded in all of my experiences, up to this point. I just had to wait for God to shift the little things into place at the right time and in the way he needed to. <3

Let Go and Let God...

A couple weeks ago, I downloaded the Mormon dating app known as "Mutual". 

I know what you're thinking. I'm thinking the exact same thing. I've been against it for quite some time, and didn't want to admit that it would be able to do anything for me, or that I would get anything out of it. Regardless, I decided to try it. 

Update: After two weeks, I deleted it. Nothing much happened, but I did have a rather intriguing conversation with one guy I matched with. Luckily it has been something I have already been thinking quite a bit about, so it just added to the conversation. I talked quite a bit about where I've come from, and why I believe some of the things I believe. It was honestly a rather intriguing conversation. He is a convert to the church, and I was actually surprised I was able to open up so much and tell him what I told him. 

The next day, he stopped talking to me. Shocker. I was sitting in church, feeling sad. Alone. Upset. About what, I'm not exactly sure. It had nothing to do with that guy. I simply just felt lost. I was ready to spend the rest of the day in that state of being. 

Almost at once, in that sacrament meeting, a phrase popped into my head. "I am the Gardener here. I know what I want you to be." It was then that I realized that God heard the silent pleadings of my heart, and reminded me that he had never left me. He was there all along. 

I went home and found the talks that quote the story of the currant bush, which is an incredible talk I would highly recommend to anyone struggling or going through a hard time. 

It was such a beautiful talk, and also extremely pertinent to my life and situations as of late. 

I have to admit I've been pretty focused on dating, and what could go wrong. I've had many so-called adventures in the land of love. Not every situation has been full of sunshine. Not every situation has been the happy-go-lucky experience I'd always imagined it could be. But recently, I learned a lesson I find to be pretty important, and that is to just GIVE UP. 

Now, I'm not a quitter. But I'm also not talking about giving up in the sense that everyone might think. I'm talking about giving up my selfish desires, and replacing them with the LOVE God has for us. For me. I started to recognize that His desires for me are more important than my selfish desires for myself. 

I tell myself often that I'm just going to "Let Go, and give it all to God." It's just that easy, right? 

As Jim Carey says, "WRONGO." 

I can't count the number of times I've wrestled with this. I've been so happy for others in their situations. But in the process I began to realize that I'd lost myself in the midst of being happy for everyone else. 

But that changed after reading the talk about the little currant bush. 

I took a step back, and really started to pay attention to myself and how God feels about me. I began to see a shift in my attitude. I discovered I'm happy in my own shoes. 

It's amazing what can happen when you let GO and let GOD take control. I have started to see things I haven't seen in myself before in some pretty big ways. It really is important to TRUST GOD and TRUST the process. 

We have so many plans and goals and desires for our lives, but it really is up to the TRUST we have for our Heavenly Father to help guide us. He can offer us more than we could ever imagine for ourselves. All we can do is learn to trust that his plan is greater than ours ever could be. It's all about the process. 

Let Go and Let God take control. 

https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2012-01-014-the-will-of-god?lang=eng

"Cars are Replaceable..."

The emotions coursing through my body are too many to count. The amount of times I've "counted my lucky stars" today is beyond my ten fingers.

I hardly know what to say.

Just that I'm thankful to be alive. And thankful that things weren't worse than they were in a very serious matter of fact moment.

Okay, I'll stop with the suspense.

I was involved in my very first car accident today, with me as the driver. It was scary, unexpected, fast-paced, and something I wouldn't wish upon ANYONE. But yet, today was a day of so many miracles, big and small, that I along with my parents were able to witness.

I was traveling from a friend's house in the city of Twin Falls. I stopped at a four-way stop, and carried on through, after stopping of course. From the corner of my eye, I saw a blue-silver car approach the stop sign going full speed ahead, that chose not to stop at her stop sign. She rushed through it, to hit the passenger side of my parent's Tahoe.

It spun me just enough, but I kept control of the car, glancing back to catch a glimpse of the action, and a grasp of what had just happened. I put the car in park, and waited for the lady who had hit me to come talk to me. I took the few seconds available to breathe, and assess the situation.

I felt incredibly grateful that I was able to handle everything so calmly, and to make it through the incident report and talking with the lady, the police officer, and the firefighters without completely breaking down. Not to discount the fact that I had a completely dead phone in the car, and used the witness's phone to call my mom.

Having been my first accident as the driver, I had every reason to be nervous, could have fought back tears, and could have been an emotional wreck, quite literally. I have to admit, I was a little bitter in the initial moments after she hit me.

But something inside of me helped my whole body remain calm. We even hugged each other, and the firefighters who assisted on the scene made jokes with me about my interesting life of being from Burley/Logan and visiting Twin Falls.

After what felt like a really long waiting period, the exchange of insurance information, an incident report, and instructions from the officer, I was given the okay to leave, while the lady was given further information.

Both the officer and the firefighters on scene told me my car was driveable. The other lady's was completely totaled, and I could tell she was a little distraught and frustrated with the situation, and the damage she had caused. I couldn't help but feel sad for her.

I waited a few more seconds, hugged the lady one more time, and drove away, ready to continue on with the rest of my tasks of the day. I could feel I was a little bit in shock, but continued to drive, hoping the shock would wear off as the day wore on.

I approached Target, the closest store I could think of, and walked around for a little bit, hoping the shakiness would go away. It didn't. I ran into a lady in my home ward, and began talking to her, with a slight tone of worry in my voice.

She eventually discovered I had been in an accident, asked me if she could do anything, held me close for a few moments, and told me I should call my mom, which I did for the second time. I thanked her, exited the store, and drove the few minutes to the mall, where I was to meet my mom.

My mom held me for a few moments while I cried, trying to muster the words and the voice needed to speak them.

Upon a brief moment of recollection, and a few staggered breaths later, I told my mom the car was still driveable. We parted ways, and I searched for the store that would hopefully be able to diagnose the issues my phone had been having for the past day. I felt pretty protected and watched over throughout the entire day, moreso than ever before.

As I finally decided to take myself to lunch, since my mom was still Christmas shopping with a friend, something told me to stray away from the beaten path, and eat in a typically less busy spot in town, so I chose Culver's. I enjoyed a nice lunch all by my lonesome, spending time alone in my own thoughts, and people watching those around me.

Getting ready to leave, I faced some unforeseen challenges, and struggled to know what to do. I continued driving, but this time, the Tahoe the police officer had mentioned was driveable began causing additional problems. I skidded across the road several times before the passenger side wheel stopped working altogether.

I experimented, driving a few more feet as the same issue occurred. I was on the opposite side of town from my mom, I still had a dead phone, and was past the point of being able to control my emotions, so I pulled over, turned off the car, and cried.

The tears just kept coming, the waterfall just wouldn't stop. I kept the radio on, humming along to the music to try to keep myself from screaming.

Quite frankly I wanted to crawl into the back seat and take a nap, but I knew I wouldn't wake up for a while, and my mom would eventually wonder where I was. So I opted for clutching the steering wheel, letting all my tears flow freely, and making a plan for what to do next.

The rest of the evening came in anti-climactic spurts. Upon diagnosis and a towing adventure, it was discovered that the car was in worse condition than the police and firefighters had anticipated. We were told that the expense of fixing the issue wasn't worth it, and the car was pronounced totaled.

My heart leapt into my stomach. Just what my parents needed to hear with less than a week until Christmas. My mom kept reassuring me that it wasn't my fault, we were due for a new car sooner rather than later, and that everything would be okay.

Although I'm still a little bit in shock, emotionally exhausted, and feeling every ounce of pain physically, all I can think about is the mini and mighty miracles I experienced throughout the day. I am reminded of how frail and fragile this life can be, and just how quickly life can flash before our eyes, sometimes in a matter of seconds.

I was blessed in so many ways, and can hardly believe I walked away from the accident with only minor injuries. I just keep telling myself that although I may not be doing well in every other aspect of my life, there is no shortage in the blessings department. My Heavenly Father definitely has that one taken care of.

My mom has expressed more than once how grateful she is that nothing too terrible happened to me, or to the other lady. I have to agree, we both got pretty lucky. My mom and I discussed the benefits of having a missionary out, and the protection that our family feels because of his example and his service.

She expressed that we have been given angels to watch out for us, which doesn't only pertain to families with missionaries, but everyone.

As I keep reminding myself of all the little as well as gigantic blessings that have come in just 24 hours, I just keep finding more of a reason to smile.

Like, how shortly after the accident, my all-time favorite Rachel Platten song came blasting through my radio, reminding me of Girls State.

Or how the "Angels Among Us" song from Alabama continues to echo in my head, or how even in this moment, over twelve hours later, how sanctifying the safety and security of being in my own home feels, with my mom retelling her version of the story, and the love she has for her children and her family.

Even the firefighters caught on to the theme, reminding the other driver that "Cars are replaceable, people aren't," when the other driver mentioned how sad she was to have caused the accident, losing her nice car.

I have so many reasons to be thankful for the smallest blessings which are mine. Hold your little ones close. Hug a stranger. Tell your parents how much you love and appreciate them. Take time to pray, and thank God for the little things. For one day, you will look back, and realize they were the big things. <3

#MeToo

In light of recent events, I've hesitated time and time again in writing this.

I've told myself more than once that I haven't had it as bad as other people. That I'm doing just fine on my own. That I don't need help. The thoughts keep coming back, but I force them away, or at least to the back of my mind so that I don't bring forth the pain and the hurt once again. But because of some beautiful posts that have been shared by some people I hold dear to my heart, I choose to stay silent no longer.

It isn't easy, but somehow I manage. I hate that the memories associated with such a terrible thing don't just "go away."

I hate that the guy involved just walked away, not knowing the damage he caused me, emotionally. I hate that I struggle to make emotional connections with members of the opposite gender, because of the hurt that pretty much always follows. I hate that my recently new relationship ended, in part because of my fear of commitment. Of struggling to make an emotional connection because of a lack of communication.

In the midst my "trial of faith" so to speak, I realized that maybe I'm not okay. But you know, the beauty of not being okay, is that it is okay to not be okay.

The past year of my life has taught me more about just that.

Allow me to be a little vulnerable with my readers here. And if I end up being the only one to read this, no one said being vulnerable with myself was ever a bad thing.

Last summer, I was having a particularly decent summer. I was living in Logan, almost all of my friends had left Logan for summer jobs and internships, and I was still here. Working, going back and forth between Burley and Logan, and simply choosing to enjoy life.

One particular evening, a friend invited me to a game night with one of his friends, and a bunch of other people I wasn't sure I would know. Come to find out, one of the girls was my coworker, and another was a friend of mine. As the Sunday night life died down, and most everyone else had left, a small portion of the group decided to go to Beto's at midnight.

Being the only girl, I turned on the flirt just a little bit with the other guys. Harmless, clean fun was all I thought of the particular experience. As I got home that night, I exchanged snapchat usernames with one of the guys I grew to be particularly fond of in the short interchange of meeting him that night. I somehow admitted to being home alone, and in need of some company, so I invited him over for a movie. It was already pretty late, but I knew better than to not let my guard down. I thought it harmless to watch a movie, and then slip upstairs to my own room, leaving him with the spare bedroom to himself. It felt nice to have some company in my big, empty apartment.

When the movie ended, I knew the guy was half asleep. I thought it would be easy to slip away quietly to my own room, undisturbing his slumber. I was wrong. He kept me pretty close to him, in a tight cuddly position. I struggled to break free. I'll save the details because you don't need to know, but as an immature young woman, I was dealing with my own kind of sexual assault. He kept trying to get me to get close to him, to touch him in places I didn't want to touch. I didn't know what to do.

I finally broke free and he eventually fell deeper into sleep, while I remained awake, alert and frightened. I took the opportunity to book it out of the room as soon as he loosened his grip and up the stairs I went, locking my bedroom and bathroom door behind me,falling into a heap on my bathroom floor, wondering what had just happened. What had I done? I barely knew this guy. Why had I allowed him into my apartment, let alone think that he would become my protector from the darkness of being alone in a scary apartment?

Nothing happened that night, besides the minor details I have already expressed. I still felt dirty. Guilty. Unclean. Broken.

I definitely did anything but sleep that night. You could say I pulled the covers over my head and prayed the most sincere prayer I've ever prayed that I would be safe that night. All night long. It took everything I had inside to leave the comforts of my bedroom several hours after the sun rays peeked through the blinds. I hoped he would just leave on his own. That I could send him on his way and never talk to him again.

Out of the kindness of my heart I spent a little more time with him, attempting to get to know him. I struggled to find the words of hate and fear that wanted to spill out of me. Instead, those nasty words faded into the thin air, and a Christ-like love replaced them.

Whether it was a blessing in disguise or a heavenward signal of someone looking out for me, he is long gone from my memories, and from my life.

But still, I struggle. I've struggled since that very day. It's something I've kept very hidden from the rest of the world. As I mentioned earlier, I tried to keep it hidden from myself. But I don't want it to stay hidden any longer. I want to bring these things to light, in order to learn from my experience, and to help others through theirs.

The #MeToo campaign that has taken the world by storm has had me in my own kind of emotional turmoil. I attend a university that is plagued with cases of sexual assault left and right, and is learning how to deal with those cases for the protection of their students and for the future. My heart aches for those who have dealt with sexual assault on a more personal level, and for those who have come out of it as a broken, yet new person. Beautiful and strong.I know it isn't easy. I know you have had it worse than I do.

I may be free and clear from the guy who bruised me and hurt my pride emotionally. I have days where I'm pushed to my limits and wonder if it's worth fighting for every breath, choosing to climb out of the hole I find myself in time and time again. But somehow, I keep fighting, and I have continued to climb. As the Anna Kendrick song from the "Trolls" movie suggests, "I will get back up again."

The effects of sexual assault and sexual violence are different for each and every person. The journey of their experiences is one of strength, love, peace and understanding. Of finding themselves again. Each individual story is a journey. Each journey is an individual story. No two stories are the same.

After a conversation with my good friend Taylor, I have found a strength and peace in the words she shared with me earlier this month, that bring home the message I wanted to convey:

"This is important. You are important. This matters, and so do you."

Please don't feel like I did a year ago. Lost, hopeless, broken, alone.

You are strong, independent, beautiful, loved. You are NEVER alone. I am here for you.

Much love,
Kortni <3

Bloom Where You're Planted

I've said it before and I'll say it again. God's timing is everything. There are times when the whole world is against me, making it hard for me to breathe. Am I doing everything that has been asked of me? Why haven't I found the right guy to marry? When will I graduate?

I'll try to keep this post brief. I have so many thoughts on this topic, I doubt I'll be able to share all of them accurately without melting into a puddle... of somethingness.

While I have considered this topic for a long time, I'll try to be brief.

 The weekend after my spring semester classes ended at Utah State, I received a phone call from my dad that my uncle wanted me to call him. 

Something about a job offer was all my dad would tell me. I called my uncle to get the scoop, and was indeed told I could start as early as that Tuesday. I felt like the job offer couldn't have come at a better time, so I packed up and moved to good old Burley, Idaho, where I would be spending the summer living at home with my family, working at my uncle's law firm. I was nervous, but overall excited for what was to come.

Working in a law firm was actually a really cool experience. I loved being able to use some of my talents for writing in a different way. I loved the people I was able to meet, and the interactions I was able to have with some of the clients. While my experience at the law firm was short-lived, I was grateful I was able to learn life lessons from my uncle in the process. That's what family is for, right?

Along with my short-lived law office experience, I had an interesting summer while living at home, much of which I will choose not to relive, because it's simply too painful. 

There are a few specific experiences this summer that tested me, shaped me, and molded me into the person I am today. God's timing was a part of each and every one of them.

God is still working on me. Molding me day by day into a stronger, more beautiful person. I wouldn't be who I am today without the trials I have experienced up to this point.

While this summer was hard in a number of different ways, it was also a summer I wouldn't change for the world. I attended Girls State, and the Idaho State 4-H Teen Association Convention, both of which were incredible blessings in disguise. The Girls State theme of "Bloom Where You're Planted" especially touched my heart. It reminded me of where I have come from, and where I want to go. 

Like a flower grown in a beautiful garden, it isn't grown without weeds that surround it, which sometimes cause it to be choked out, losing its chance to grow. Each flower blooms differently. No two flowers are exactly the same. Neither are no two people's trials or experiences.

It can sometimes take months or years for us to learn something from our trials and the hardships we experience. It can take even longer for something beautiful to come from those trials. And sometimes, it can take as short as three weeks. 

Whether those lessons come through trials, the experiences of another person, or some other way, each has a way of teaching us things we aren't always able to learn on our own. 

 Although it isn't always easy to trust in God's timing, or believe that His timing really is perfect, the hope that He really does know what He's doing keeps me focused and faithful. He can do the same for you if you choose to let Him. 

You can choose to be a chrysanthemum or a lily, a carnation or a rose. Personally I pick the chrysanthemums. They're my favorite, and who doesn't like to say that name over and over again? 

God's timing is everything in my life. It is through his timing that I have learned some of the greatest lessons he has for me. It is through his timing I have learned to be patient while He molds me into something I couldn't have ever imagined for myself.

One of my fellow Girls State Counselors, Suze, shared this quote from a Huffington Post article with her girls that I also love. 

"Learn to bloom where you are planted. Even if you find yourself planted under some concrete at the moment, look for the crack in the concrete to find your way out, and despite all odds, choose to bloom always." 

I offer the same advice to you. Choose to BLOOM. Whatever your circumstances. Whatever your current struggles. No matter how far gone you feel you are. You have POWER. You carry a beauty no one can take away from you. 

"Choose to bloom always."

YOU Are Worth It

One of the most popular quotes I have found through many Pinterest searches, is that "Happiness is a choice." Through many different soul-searching moments, I have discovered just how true this statement is.

There is so much in our world today that causes many people to lose a whole lot of hope. It seems as though it is all around us. Struggling countries around the world, the government, and even the media. And believe me, having a desire to become a journalist in a world where people are beginning to trust the media less and less is a little disheartening. I might even say a little depressing.

But the truth of the matter is, in a world where there is much to be anxious about, there is just as much happiness waiting for YOU to uncover. We live in a time where technology is everywhere, and if used for good, can become a powerful motivator and tool. We live in a time where medical professionals are able to perform more successful surgeries and procedures than ever before. To be honest, we live in time where there is so much to be grateful for, yet we still find a reason to be unhappy with something. We have a bad hair day. Our friends got too busy to hang out with us, when we just saw them yesterday. A date doesn't go the way we had hoped, and we feel like we made a fool of ourselves.

I have been studying if you will, the topic of happiness for quite some time. As a teenager, I was always looking for happiness quotes that would bring some sort of peace of mind as I went on to conquer the next challenge or roadblock that was strewn along my path. I craved happiness more than I craved dark chocolate or ice cream, and that's saying something, because I love dark chocolate and ice cream. I thought that there was really nothing to live for if I wasn't able to fight through my challenges, and to be HAPPY.

I've kind of noticed that more recently in my personal life, it's been pretty darn hard to find happiness. I realized there was something holding me back from being the happy-go-lucky Kortni I thought I had always been. That something holding me back, was no one other than myself. I have gone day to day concerned about the next task at hand that I forgot to take a deep breath and quite simply,"Just be me."

I fight the daily battles of "I'm not good enough", "I'm too anxious to be happy" and "I'll focus on the gospel tomorrow" really all the time. I wonder if I'll ever get out of the dating game and find my happily ever after. I wonder if I'll still have the same friends when I graduate from college and move away. I self-criticize as if it's a form of habit I never got myself out of. I anxiously await moving back to Logan, so I can breathe and "just be happy again." 

I began to realize that I dug a hole for myself by repeating such harsh criticisms towards myself. Over and over and over again. I struggle to know if this deeply-rooted hardness of breath will ever leave my chest. It all just seems too much. How will I ever be happy again? I caught myself at a perfect moment of self-intervention, as I was driving home from the Twin Falls Temple, early Wednesday morning with two of my younger siblings. Before I closed my eyes upon returning to my bed, I wrote down a whole bunch of thoughts that had kept me awake the entirety of the way home.

Often, while pondering in the temple, I catch a glimpse of the temple workers as they help someone in need, or quietly observe. I think I can honestly say, I have never met a temple worker that didn't carry a heartfelt smile upon their face, or a twinkle in their eye. How is it they are always so incredibly happy? What is it that makes them decide to be so happy, even if it does happen to be 4:30 in the morning? The answer I came up with? They are in the service of their God.

I pondered this thought for a while. I am far from a morning person, but I still wake up early to be inside the holy temples. Every time I go, that ridiculously giddy smile spreads itself upon my face, without me even trying. But as I return home, the smile isn't always permanent. How can this be so? I discovered that in order to be happy, you have to have a sense of happiness that stems from somewhere. For me, it's the vibrant pinks and oranges of the sunrise as I return from the house of the Lord. It's the gentle nudge of my little sister stealing my blankets from off my bed, encouraging me that there is no better place I could be than in the service of my God. It's the bonding moment with my siblings as we joke about road construction, hungry birds and random songs on the radio. 

I caught myself at the perfect moment, in all honesty. When life gets hard, sometimes we just have to remember what it is we are fighting for. What is it that we want out of life? I simply discovered through a self-evaluation on that temple morning, what it is that I am really fighting for. What it is I truly desire more than anything. My personal joy and happiness, comes from service, service towards others through 4-H, through Girls State, through church, and in the temple. Although sometimes I forget what it is I'm fighting for, I am given a constant reminder as I simply "Go and Do." 

From this experience this week, of finding what I am all about, and what it is I truly desire, I came up with a few key points that I have been able to focus on this week that have changed my perspective on pretty much everything, even life itself. 

1. Happiness is a choice. Sometimes, it's the hardest choice you have to make, other than waking up in the morning. And sometimes, the hardest thing to do is remind yourself that you deserve happiness, even in the midst of the most challenging trials and the worst despair you have ever experienced. 

2. The even more beautiful thing is, that happiness is always waiting, even if you don't feel worthy of it. It will wait in the shadows, until you decide for yourself that its presence can and should be known in your life. Hard times will always come, but there is always something we can be happy about. 

3. Trials can turn our hard times into something beautiful. We may not always feel happy or able to smile, and sometimes, that's okay. We can feel sad. It's totally okay to cry it out every now and again. The important thing is that we need to pick ourselves up again and move on, and become the strongest person in our entire world. 

4. Life is worth it. Find some kind of indescribable joy in the journey. Find something that lights a fire of passion within you. And most importantly, find YOURSELF again.

5. Start living the life you have always imagined you could. If your current path doesn't make you happy, be willing to take a step in a different direction in order to find something better. Don't let fear take over. Let that fear work within you, to help you become the incandescently happy person you've always imagined you could be. 

YOU ARE WORTH IT. <3