#MeToo

In light of recent events, I've hesitated time and time again in writing this.

I've told myself more than once that I haven't had it as bad as other people. That I'm doing just fine on my own. That I don't need help. The thoughts keep coming back, but I force them away, or at least to the back of my mind so that I don't bring forth the pain and the hurt once again. But because of some beautiful posts that have been shared by some people I hold dear to my heart, I choose to stay silent no longer.

It isn't easy, but somehow I manage. I hate that the memories associated with such a terrible thing don't just "go away."

I hate that the guy involved just walked away, not knowing the damage he caused me, emotionally. I hate that I struggle to make emotional connections with members of the opposite gender, because of the hurt that pretty much always follows. I hate that my recently new relationship ended, in part because of my fear of commitment. Of struggling to make an emotional connection because of a lack of communication.

In the midst my "trial of faith" so to speak, I realized that maybe I'm not okay. But you know, the beauty of not being okay, is that it is okay to not be okay.

The past year of my life has taught me more about just that.

Allow me to be a little vulnerable with my readers here. And if I end up being the only one to read this, no one said being vulnerable with myself was ever a bad thing.

Last summer, I was having a particularly decent summer. I was living in Logan, almost all of my friends had left Logan for summer jobs and internships, and I was still here. Working, going back and forth between Burley and Logan, and simply choosing to enjoy life.

One particular evening, a friend invited me to a game night with one of his friends, and a bunch of other people I wasn't sure I would know. Come to find out, one of the girls was my coworker, and another was a friend of mine. As the Sunday night life died down, and most everyone else had left, a small portion of the group decided to go to Beto's at midnight.

Being the only girl, I turned on the flirt just a little bit with the other guys. Harmless, clean fun was all I thought of the particular experience. As I got home that night, I exchanged snapchat usernames with one of the guys I grew to be particularly fond of in the short interchange of meeting him that night. I somehow admitted to being home alone, and in need of some company, so I invited him over for a movie. It was already pretty late, but I knew better than to not let my guard down. I thought it harmless to watch a movie, and then slip upstairs to my own room, leaving him with the spare bedroom to himself. It felt nice to have some company in my big, empty apartment.

When the movie ended, I knew the guy was half asleep. I thought it would be easy to slip away quietly to my own room, undisturbing his slumber. I was wrong. He kept me pretty close to him, in a tight cuddly position. I struggled to break free. I'll save the details because you don't need to know, but as an immature young woman, I was dealing with my own kind of sexual assault. He kept trying to get me to get close to him, to touch him in places I didn't want to touch. I didn't know what to do.

I finally broke free and he eventually fell deeper into sleep, while I remained awake, alert and frightened. I took the opportunity to book it out of the room as soon as he loosened his grip and up the stairs I went, locking my bedroom and bathroom door behind me,falling into a heap on my bathroom floor, wondering what had just happened. What had I done? I barely knew this guy. Why had I allowed him into my apartment, let alone think that he would become my protector from the darkness of being alone in a scary apartment?

Nothing happened that night, besides the minor details I have already expressed. I still felt dirty. Guilty. Unclean. Broken.

I definitely did anything but sleep that night. You could say I pulled the covers over my head and prayed the most sincere prayer I've ever prayed that I would be safe that night. All night long. It took everything I had inside to leave the comforts of my bedroom several hours after the sun rays peeked through the blinds. I hoped he would just leave on his own. That I could send him on his way and never talk to him again.

Out of the kindness of my heart I spent a little more time with him, attempting to get to know him. I struggled to find the words of hate and fear that wanted to spill out of me. Instead, those nasty words faded into the thin air, and a Christ-like love replaced them.

Whether it was a blessing in disguise or a heavenward signal of someone looking out for me, he is long gone from my memories, and from my life.

But still, I struggle. I've struggled since that very day. It's something I've kept very hidden from the rest of the world. As I mentioned earlier, I tried to keep it hidden from myself. But I don't want it to stay hidden any longer. I want to bring these things to light, in order to learn from my experience, and to help others through theirs.

The #MeToo campaign that has taken the world by storm has had me in my own kind of emotional turmoil. I attend a university that is plagued with cases of sexual assault left and right, and is learning how to deal with those cases for the protection of their students and for the future. My heart aches for those who have dealt with sexual assault on a more personal level, and for those who have come out of it as a broken, yet new person. Beautiful and strong.I know it isn't easy. I know you have had it worse than I do.

I may be free and clear from the guy who bruised me and hurt my pride emotionally. I have days where I'm pushed to my limits and wonder if it's worth fighting for every breath, choosing to climb out of the hole I find myself in time and time again. But somehow, I keep fighting, and I have continued to climb. As the Anna Kendrick song from the "Trolls" movie suggests, "I will get back up again."

The effects of sexual assault and sexual violence are different for each and every person. The journey of their experiences is one of strength, love, peace and understanding. Of finding themselves again. Each individual story is a journey. Each journey is an individual story. No two stories are the same.

After a conversation with my good friend Taylor, I have found a strength and peace in the words she shared with me earlier this month, that bring home the message I wanted to convey:

"This is important. You are important. This matters, and so do you."

Please don't feel like I did a year ago. Lost, hopeless, broken, alone.

You are strong, independent, beautiful, loved. You are NEVER alone. I am here for you.

Much love,
Kortni <3

Bloom Where You're Planted

I've said it before and I'll say it again. God's timing is everything. There are times when the whole world is against me, making it hard for me to breathe. Am I doing everything that has been asked of me? Why haven't I found the right guy to marry? When will I graduate?

I'll try to keep this post brief. I have so many thoughts on this topic, I doubt I'll be able to share all of them accurately without melting into a puddle... of somethingness.

While I have considered this topic for a long time, I'll try to be brief.

 The weekend after my spring semester classes ended at Utah State, I received a phone call from my dad that my uncle wanted me to call him. 

Something about a job offer was all my dad would tell me. I called my uncle to get the scoop, and was indeed told I could start as early as that Tuesday. I felt like the job offer couldn't have come at a better time, so I packed up and moved to good old Burley, Idaho, where I would be spending the summer living at home with my family, working at my uncle's law firm. I was nervous, but overall excited for what was to come.

Working in a law firm was actually a really cool experience. I loved being able to use some of my talents for writing in a different way. I loved the people I was able to meet, and the interactions I was able to have with some of the clients. While my experience at the law firm was short-lived, I was grateful I was able to learn life lessons from my uncle in the process. That's what family is for, right?

Along with my short-lived law office experience, I had an interesting summer while living at home, much of which I will choose not to relive, because it's simply too painful. 

There are a few specific experiences this summer that tested me, shaped me, and molded me into the person I am today. God's timing was a part of each and every one of them.

God is still working on me. Molding me day by day into a stronger, more beautiful person. I wouldn't be who I am today without the trials I have experienced up to this point.

While this summer was hard in a number of different ways, it was also a summer I wouldn't change for the world. I attended Girls State, and the Idaho State 4-H Teen Association Convention, both of which were incredible blessings in disguise. The Girls State theme of "Bloom Where You're Planted" especially touched my heart. It reminded me of where I have come from, and where I want to go. 

Like a flower grown in a beautiful garden, it isn't grown without weeds that surround it, which sometimes cause it to be choked out, losing its chance to grow. Each flower blooms differently. No two flowers are exactly the same. Neither are no two people's trials or experiences.

It can sometimes take months or years for us to learn something from our trials and the hardships we experience. It can take even longer for something beautiful to come from those trials. And sometimes, it can take as short as three weeks. 

Whether those lessons come through trials, the experiences of another person, or some other way, each has a way of teaching us things we aren't always able to learn on our own. 

 Although it isn't always easy to trust in God's timing, or believe that His timing really is perfect, the hope that He really does know what He's doing keeps me focused and faithful. He can do the same for you if you choose to let Him. 

You can choose to be a chrysanthemum or a lily, a carnation or a rose. Personally I pick the chrysanthemums. They're my favorite, and who doesn't like to say that name over and over again? 

God's timing is everything in my life. It is through his timing that I have learned some of the greatest lessons he has for me. It is through his timing I have learned to be patient while He molds me into something I couldn't have ever imagined for myself.

One of my fellow Girls State Counselors, Suze, shared this quote from a Huffington Post article with her girls that I also love. 

"Learn to bloom where you are planted. Even if you find yourself planted under some concrete at the moment, look for the crack in the concrete to find your way out, and despite all odds, choose to bloom always." 

I offer the same advice to you. Choose to BLOOM. Whatever your circumstances. Whatever your current struggles. No matter how far gone you feel you are. You have POWER. You carry a beauty no one can take away from you. 

"Choose to bloom always."

YOU Are Worth It

One of the most popular quotes I have found through many Pinterest searches, is that "Happiness is a choice." Through many different soul-searching moments, I have discovered just how true this statement is.

There is so much in our world today that causes many people to lose a whole lot of hope. It seems as though it is all around us. Struggling countries around the world, the government, and even the media. And believe me, having a desire to become a journalist in a world where people are beginning to trust the media less and less is a little disheartening. I might even say a little depressing.

But the truth of the matter is, in a world where there is much to be anxious about, there is just as much happiness waiting for YOU to uncover. We live in a time where technology is everywhere, and if used for good, can become a powerful motivator and tool. We live in a time where medical professionals are able to perform more successful surgeries and procedures than ever before. To be honest, we live in time where there is so much to be grateful for, yet we still find a reason to be unhappy with something. We have a bad hair day. Our friends got too busy to hang out with us, when we just saw them yesterday. A date doesn't go the way we had hoped, and we feel like we made a fool of ourselves.

I have been studying if you will, the topic of happiness for quite some time. As a teenager, I was always looking for happiness quotes that would bring some sort of peace of mind as I went on to conquer the next challenge or roadblock that was strewn along my path. I craved happiness more than I craved dark chocolate or ice cream, and that's saying something, because I love dark chocolate and ice cream. I thought that there was really nothing to live for if I wasn't able to fight through my challenges, and to be HAPPY.

I've kind of noticed that more recently in my personal life, it's been pretty darn hard to find happiness. I realized there was something holding me back from being the happy-go-lucky Kortni I thought I had always been. That something holding me back, was no one other than myself. I have gone day to day concerned about the next task at hand that I forgot to take a deep breath and quite simply,"Just be me."

I fight the daily battles of "I'm not good enough", "I'm too anxious to be happy" and "I'll focus on the gospel tomorrow" really all the time. I wonder if I'll ever get out of the dating game and find my happily ever after. I wonder if I'll still have the same friends when I graduate from college and move away. I self-criticize as if it's a form of habit I never got myself out of. I anxiously await moving back to Logan, so I can breathe and "just be happy again." 

I began to realize that I dug a hole for myself by repeating such harsh criticisms towards myself. Over and over and over again. I struggle to know if this deeply-rooted hardness of breath will ever leave my chest. It all just seems too much. How will I ever be happy again? I caught myself at a perfect moment of self-intervention, as I was driving home from the Twin Falls Temple, early Wednesday morning with two of my younger siblings. Before I closed my eyes upon returning to my bed, I wrote down a whole bunch of thoughts that had kept me awake the entirety of the way home.

Often, while pondering in the temple, I catch a glimpse of the temple workers as they help someone in need, or quietly observe. I think I can honestly say, I have never met a temple worker that didn't carry a heartfelt smile upon their face, or a twinkle in their eye. How is it they are always so incredibly happy? What is it that makes them decide to be so happy, even if it does happen to be 4:30 in the morning? The answer I came up with? They are in the service of their God.

I pondered this thought for a while. I am far from a morning person, but I still wake up early to be inside the holy temples. Every time I go, that ridiculously giddy smile spreads itself upon my face, without me even trying. But as I return home, the smile isn't always permanent. How can this be so? I discovered that in order to be happy, you have to have a sense of happiness that stems from somewhere. For me, it's the vibrant pinks and oranges of the sunrise as I return from the house of the Lord. It's the gentle nudge of my little sister stealing my blankets from off my bed, encouraging me that there is no better place I could be than in the service of my God. It's the bonding moment with my siblings as we joke about road construction, hungry birds and random songs on the radio. 

I caught myself at the perfect moment, in all honesty. When life gets hard, sometimes we just have to remember what it is we are fighting for. What is it that we want out of life? I simply discovered through a self-evaluation on that temple morning, what it is that I am really fighting for. What it is I truly desire more than anything. My personal joy and happiness, comes from service, service towards others through 4-H, through Girls State, through church, and in the temple. Although sometimes I forget what it is I'm fighting for, I am given a constant reminder as I simply "Go and Do." 

From this experience this week, of finding what I am all about, and what it is I truly desire, I came up with a few key points that I have been able to focus on this week that have changed my perspective on pretty much everything, even life itself. 

1. Happiness is a choice. Sometimes, it's the hardest choice you have to make, other than waking up in the morning. And sometimes, the hardest thing to do is remind yourself that you deserve happiness, even in the midst of the most challenging trials and the worst despair you have ever experienced. 

2. The even more beautiful thing is, that happiness is always waiting, even if you don't feel worthy of it. It will wait in the shadows, until you decide for yourself that its presence can and should be known in your life. Hard times will always come, but there is always something we can be happy about. 

3. Trials can turn our hard times into something beautiful. We may not always feel happy or able to smile, and sometimes, that's okay. We can feel sad. It's totally okay to cry it out every now and again. The important thing is that we need to pick ourselves up again and move on, and become the strongest person in our entire world. 

4. Life is worth it. Find some kind of indescribable joy in the journey. Find something that lights a fire of passion within you. And most importantly, find YOURSELF again.

5. Start living the life you have always imagined you could. If your current path doesn't make you happy, be willing to take a step in a different direction in order to find something better. Don't let fear take over. Let that fear work within you, to help you become the incandescently happy person you've always imagined you could be. 

YOU ARE WORTH IT. <3

Our Silver Linings

The saying, "Every cloud has a silver lining" has been bouncing around in my head for oh... the past several months or so, for several reasons. But now that I think about it, this entire semester has been full of silver linings, just a little less noticeable and prevalent, but still just as important.

Now, you might be asking, what in the world is a silver lining?

I know I have asked myself that question more than once, especially recently.

After much thought and life experience, I feel that I might have come up with an answer to this question. These life experiences have helped me discover that no one is exempt from a little rainstorm once in a while. Or if your life is like mine, every day seems like a rainstorm in one way or another.

Throughout my life, it has been mentioned how important it is to pay attention to the good, to the positive things that I have experienced and am experiencing in my life. "The good is what gets you through the trials of life" is often repeated in many different settings as college students try to make their way towards missions, marriage and even towards their future careers and a whole lot more schooling than they think they will need. It is also important to pay attention to those little tender mercies, and the things that our trials can teach us, with help from a loving Heavenly Father. That's where the silver lining phrase really comes in to play.

When things fell apart with my job at Bath and Body Works this past December, I was really concerned, and frankly disappointed. That is, until I was given the position of Staff Writer for the Utah Statesman two short months later, in February.

This was silver lining #1. I have loved every minute of it, even with its challenges, and my shortcomings. I have become a much better writer and person because of my coworkers, my articles, my interviews and my responsibilities. Frankly, it has been a saving grace in college work, and for my life.

I was given the opportunity to apply for a National 4-H Youth Advisory Committee, and although I wasn't accepted as a finalist to interview, the application process itself was a learning experience I will always cherish. Silver Lining #2

Having been a member of the USU Collegiate 4-H club has been a rewarding experience, and a good stress reliever for my busy college life. I have applied for officer positions every year since I became a student at Utah State, and while I have lost every office I have ever ran for, I have gained even more momentum and drive to continue in the club that I love, because of the amazing opportunities it has given me. Finally the day came, and I was given the title of Vice-President of Recruitment for this upcoming school year. I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I am super excited to serve with a group of really cool people, I can hardly wait. It is incredible what 13 years of 4-H experience and love for such a program can do for a person, and what it has done for me.

This was silver lining #3.

At the same time as these two 4-H opportunities arose, I started looking for summer employment, not exactly sure where life was leading me. I spent many nights a little more than frustrated, confused, and nervous. I also had days where I was ridiculously excited for the future, in more ways than I could express. Time went on and my adrenaline rush from school kicked in, I found the PERFECT summer job, as a summer 4-H intern for Cache County 4-H. Interviewing with the supervisor, and while discussing the ins and outs of the job description, something felt a little off, regardless I was happy to be interviewing for a position I was really passionate about, that I also had a background in.

Impatiently waiting for the storm to pass, I received some advice from a few trusted 4-H adults, who have been with me from the beginning of this journey. The silver lining definitely didn't come in the way I expected, and I can be honest that I wasn't quite ready when it came, but I had learned that I had to take what was coming, if I wanted to grow.  In fact, there really wasn't an exact answer. All I knew was that I hadn't received any correspondence or phone calls, letting me know that I either had or hadn't gotten the position at the Extension Office in Cache County. While I was a little bit heartbroken and a whole lot of lost, I continued to press forward. There was something waiting for me, and it was time to figure out just what it was.

Silver lining #4. 

After what felt like an eternity of "No's", I was determined that something just had to be a "Yes."

I was accepted to be a Collegiate Volunteer for the Idaho State 4-H Teen Association Convention this summer, and while I was super nervous, I knew that as long as my heart remained in the right place, it would all work out. While a million other curve balls have been thrown my direction that have deterred me from being able to attend, I am content. Not only am I content, but I am still going to be able to attend after completing my paperwork in just two days, in the very same weekend that I will be leaving for the Convention.

Silver lining #5.

Not only have I been blessed with so many incredible opportunities through the 4-H Program this year, but I have also been fortunate enough to attend the Girls State Program for the 5th year, (4th on staff). While this will be mentioned in more detail throughout other posts, I do have to say that I am incredibly grateful for such a great program. I am continuously blown away year after year by the delegates that attend, the caliber of the staff to help lead both us and them to greater heights, and for all that they are. I wouldn't be who I am without them. A huge hole would be left in my summer if it were not filled with Idaho Syringa Girls State.

Silver lining #6. 

Upon completion of my spring semester, I was given a specific job opportunity that I wasn't quite prepared for. Yet, despite my nervous excitement, I jumped in with both feet, packed in one night, and moved home, starting the job the day after I moved home. I may not have been in a very good place to pick up and move home this summer, but I do feel that I was given this obstacle to overcome for a reason. I now know a little bit more about the subject of law and criminal justice than I think I want to, but am determined that somehow, someway, it will assist me in my future. Although this job has been short-lived, I am incredibly grateful for the experience, and all that I have been able to learn. I can fully attest that it was one of the hardest jobs I have ever had, but the knowledge and expertise I have gained will be things that are not easily forgotten.

Silver lining #7.

I have been blessed with so many trials and challenges that I can honestly say have tried, tested and stressed me out beyond compare, even though they have all occurred within the past couple months. And the best part is, there is still so much to learn, that I'm not even aware of yet. My favorite actress has said that, "When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window." (Julie Andrews) I can't even tell all of those reading how absolutely true and simple this is. Sometimes those closed doors are just God's way of telling us that there are more windows of opportunity just waiting for us, if only we choose to walk towards the light, and stay positive, regardless of what is being thrown our way.

I know that there is so much beauty to be found through these clouds and the dark and dreary rainstorms of life. We simply just have to be willing to search for the rainbows through the rain.

Somewhere... over the rainbow. 💛

Dear Future Husband

Dear Future Husband,

It feels as if I've been praying for you forever, but it also feels as if this journey has only just begun. I say journey because that's exactly what the past few years of my life have been.

I told myself that I would be patient for as long it took for God to bring our paths together. Some days were definitely better than others, that's for sure!

I pray for you and your welfare. That whatever struggles and trials you may be going through, that you will come out on top. I pray that you will more fully recognize God's hands in your life, and that you will let him direct your path for good.

I hope that you are doing well. I hope that you are making good decisions and are enjoying whatever comes your way. I hope that work or school or mission life is treating you decently and that these experiences are shaping your life well.

I sincerely wish only the best for you. Wherever you are, whatever you may be doing, even at this exact moment.

I sincerely believe that God has prepared me for someone special. I only hope I can also live up to those expectations God has set for my future companion, for you.

God has made me a better person through his preparations for me to meet you. I have felt his love and proddings many times. I have felt the loving guiding hands as he moved me into situations that he knew would inspire and encourage me to do better.

He chastened me when I went astray, and carried me home when my strength alone was not enough. He helped remind me of happier times to come when I remained at my weakest.

In this journey, I've learned to be patient.

Accepting the Lord's timing has never been easy, but I'm trying, for you. Because I know the wait will be worth it.

I am striving to become more Christlike, because that is what we've been asked to do.

I've also come to love myself more deeply than ever before. I'm learning to appreciate the little things and be more grateful of my shortcomings.

I am seriously the happiest I have ever been because of you. I decided a long time ago that happiness was going to become my new mantra. And that's exactly what happened. The past year has shown me that happiness is everywhere. I have discovered the TRUE me.

I have had many experiences that have taught me much, about myself, and eternity.

I have lost trust, I have been hurt, and thought I would never trust or find love again. I determined that whoever I married would have to be patient with me, and would have to be willing to move slow and help me through these trials.

But I have discovered HOPE. Hope that is possible because of YOU. God helped me see that someone would be able to see past my anxieties and fears about being close to someone again. He helped me to see past "the dating game." to who would hold my hand and walk beside me for eternity.

He gave me hope that you would be waiting, just around the corner (or a few corners).

He gave me this tingling feeling, that as long as I kept my goals in line with His, I would be led to you. He kept me focused on things of an eternal nature. Of the Holy Temple, of spiritual knowledge, and of my worth. He reminded me time and time again that I am a child of God with infinite worth.

He gave me peace of mind as all of my childhood and college friends began getting married, and I remained focused on school. He kept me wondering, questioning and excited for whatever was in store for my future.

He led me to you, in his own time and his own way.

He helped me love myself, so that one day I could be loved even more deeply by you. But also, so that I could learn to love you just as deeply.

And while waiting for you has been a huge lesson in patience... I couldn't wish for any greater lesson to be learned. Waiting for you has taught me more than I could have ever imagined. You have blessed my life immensely in so many ways. So thanks for being you. I can't wait to begin our crazy adventurous life together. I love you more than you could ever know.

Love,

Kortni

I Want to Be A....

Ever felt a little lost... confused...like your life is headed in all the wrong directions and you just can't catch a break? Guess what? You're definitely not alone. I've probably said this a lot, but this journey of my college life has definitely not been an easy one. But hey, this blog is for the sharing of my life and college struggles, so this seems like the most appropriate place to do such a thing, right?!

As previously mentioned, I'm changing my major for the third time. The decision to change was kinda sorta brought about by this "lost" feeling I have been struggling with for the time being. When I came to Utah State, I was dead set on Political Science, regardless of what anyone else had to say. I had grown up with a love of government, legislature related issues, participated in a weekend 4-H Conference for four years, attended a week long government camp(as a delegate and a staff member) and even worked in the Idaho Legislature. I thrived on government related issues, and thought it was the coolest thing in the world. As I started into my Political Science classes, along with generals, I found that I really didn't love what I was learning, I became disinterested and less excited. The longer I thought about it, and the longer I tried to convince myself that it would be okay and that I would make it through, the more I found myself in a constant state of fear and worry that something else was out there for me, and I simply had yet to discover it.

During my second year of school, I started talking to a girl in the student media booth on what they call "Day on the Quad". She told me about their opening meeting, and of course that pizza would be there, I took them up on their offer, and sure enough showed up for free pizza, but also to find out what this so called student media group was all about.

Little did I know what I would be getting myself into just a few short weeks later, when I received an email inviting me to write for the Utah Statesman. I was somewhat confused, and didn't realize that the process of giving my email to them would result in an unpaid internship, and a fun chance to write and gain experience in something that I loved. As my time at the Statesman continued, I met so many amazing people through writing and because of the internship, that I wouldn't have otherwise gotten to know anywhere else on campus. I felt like I had finally found my niche.

That is... until Journalism just felt strange to me. It felt like something was missing. I had just met with an advisor the previous semester to figure out what I could do to switch my major, make sure I was on track to receive my Associates' Degree, and make Political Science more of a minor, with Journalism as my major. I had a goal of becoming either a Legislator or a Legislative Reporter, and it was a dream that consumed my thoughts almost daily. (It got to a point where I wanted to pack up and move to Boise, if that tells you how dead set I was upon it.) I had worked tirelessly to make sure that I would be able to get into the Journalism program after this current semester. Nothing could stop me.

Until... I was given the position of Staff Writer for Student Media in the Student Life Section in February. I was so excited to improve my writing, get paid for it, and to continue learning all that I could to be prepared for this coming semester in Journalism intensive courses. One day, my coworker Shelby and I were sitting in the office talking about how confused and stressed we were about life.

At a lull in the conversation, she mentioned that she had been looking into Agricultural Communication and Journalism. As soon as she mentioned that, it was like a light bulb was beaming inside my head. In my free time, I began researching the major, trying to decide how much it would be worth it to dive into the classes this fall semester, considering I was four semesters away from graduation in Journalism. After serious consideration, and a noticeably positive mood change, I took the plunge to email the advisor and see what my options could be. Walking to her office in the coming days made me incredibly nervous, but with early registration on the brink and no real knowledge as to what classes to take, I forced up the courage. I found that talking about the major gave me an excitement I hadn't felt before, either with Political Science, or Journalism.

Both the Journalism advisor and the Agricultural Communications advisor were super helpful and so nice. I felt a calming yet excited and energized feeling, amidst the anxiousness I had felt so much before. I loved being able to be open and honest with my new Journalism advisor, who shared with me that it's okay to take my time in college, and to take time to figure everything out.

It's okay to enjoy this time of being young, because one day it will come to me, and I'll know what it is that I should do. It was seriously probably some of the greatest advice I have received in my three years of college. My advisor also told me, who cares if it takes me three more years to complete my degree. She has completed 30 semesters, and still isn't sure what she wants to do, yet has two degrees, and a fascination for almost everything.

It was at that point that I discovered that I have a true passion for Agriculture, and writing. I want to do something to give back to the farm communities of Southern Idaho that have given so much to me. I want to make an impact for good on the community and those around me. I have a love of people and animals and a desire to share those stories with others.

My Farm Literature professor mentioned today, that we can all make a difference in the community. Of course I've been told this time and time again. But part of what she said really resonated with me and made me realize what role I really do have to play in this great big world. She mentioned that we all have an influence on agriculture, and just as much of an influence as agriculture has on us. She explained that we can all have an influence on policy making in the agricultural world, for those who may be illiterate so to speak of the agricultural world and communities in which we all live.

It was then that I knew that I wanted to make a difference, and be that voice for people who aren't able or willing to be that voice for themselves and their communities around them.

I am both a little nervous and extremely excited for this new endeavor, and hope that it will be a positive and joyful experience for me. I do not know what is to come, but I do know that I can hardly wait to see what lies in store! And just as my advisor mentioned, eventually I'll figure out what it is I'm meant to do. I can hardly wait to find out just what that is.

Onward and upward!

The Life of a College Kid

It's two days away from the first day of April. College students, especially Aggies, are dreaming of the days they can shut their text books for the summer months, and soak up all the sunshine. The loss of motivation is real, especially for me. I think of the projects I have three weeks to finish, the essays and articles that still need to be written, and the exams that I still have to study for. It's easy to feel a whole ton of anxiety in this time period. In fact, it's quite normal here in Universityland.

(I'm talking it pretty much consumes my every day life here)

As I walked down the hall of the student center today, I caught my financial aid advisor's attention, and she asked me how things are going, and to keep chugging along, that I would make it to the end of the semester.

I'm in the process of changing my major for the third time. And yes I've counted. There always seems to be a tinge of doubt when I change my major, and the same questions seem to follow me every time. Am I doing what I need to do for me? What am I going to do with the skills I learn? Will this benefit my future?

But something stops me in my thoughts.

I'm at the university I only dreamed of attending in high school. I've made it through three long and painful years. I've learned, I've joked. I've laughed, I've cried, (and a mixture of the two). I've dealt with loneliness, fatigue, and have lost a friend or two. Who am I to tell myself I can't make it through three more years if I have to?

The point to all this... is that I've LIVED. One more month doesn't define my college career. It means I'm one step closer to finding out who I'm meant to be. Who I want to be. For me. College is a stressful, emotional, tear-filled package. But it's also a time of self-discovery. Of joy, of love, of laughter and memories. It's the 2 am phone calls with your best friend that lives 4 hours away. The glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, when you feel like there isn't any possible way you could travel much further. That one institute message of hope from one day, that ends up becoming your saving grace to get you through the whole week.

This month is going to be a hard one. That I can almost for certain guarantee. But I know that when I close my textbooks, and walk away from the dog-eared notebooks, the hard nights and tears will all be worth it.

And that will make all the difference.