Dear Boy Who Shall Not Be Named💜

**Disclaimer: I apologize if you don't want to read this, it's not the greatest**

June 02, 2015

Dear (boy who shall not be named), 

Recently I have come to a change of heart. Not just towards one thing, but several. Life in general has gotten so much happier, but it didn't start out that way. One decision has changed the way I viewed the world around me, and how I viewed myself as a person. And what an amazing discovery. 

But first, let's take a look back into how I came to this change of heart and the experience that shaped my decisions. (Some of this might be painful, just a warning.)

Once upon a December, I dated a guy who I thought was my everything. Even though I didn't have really any expectations for my first relationship, it was everything I had ever hoped for, and most of what I saw in the movies. Everything felt so perfect, I thought it would last forever. (I know, pretty high hopes, right?) We had great times together, driving clear out to the middle of nowhere, high school basketball games, my first magical kiss in the snow, kissing in Shopko, watching movies together, hanging out with his family, and just spending time talking and enjoying one another's company. And that's just while we were dating. 

Within that time, we shared an experience which helped us look back on what we were really jumping into at the prime ages of 17, and slow things down. Two short months later, we were breaking things off, which crushed me, even though no one ever saw that look upon my face. It hurt, but our promise of still being best friends, helped to keep my eyes open and give me hope for the future. Of course there were still nights I cried myself to sleep, wrote endless journal entries to myself, and just couldn't find happiness again. And believe me, I tried. This struggle for happiness has gone on for two years and then some. Yes, I know. That's a long time. 

We made the promise to always be best friends, and we did really well for a while. But, always is a word that doesn't always stick out in people's minds, to say the least. It can also cause a lot more hurt than it intends as weird and as strange as that sounds. As we grew up and graduation hit,  it had been three months since I had seen you, I could see the distance growing between us. It was gradual, but it was still a distance. We wanted a chance to hang out during the summer, you know, as a last time before you left to serve your mission. I backed off to give you the preparation time you needed for yourself, and I felt good about it. (Even though two other girls were still vying for your attention.)

By July, your farewell was getting ever closer, and I started to become angry that things would never be the same between us, no matter what happened. You were leaving on a mission, I had to FIGHT myself just to not call you, so I wouldn't feel that pain again. I just about decided that going to your farewell wouldn't make a difference, since so many other people were there to support you and love you and wish you well. But I knew I was going, and that was that. Saying goodbye that day felt like we were saying goodbye forever. I could feel a part of my heart breaking off from me, and leaving for the MTC with you.It wasn't a good pain to be feeling either. I tried my best to stay calm and keep my heart and composure intact, especially with your amazing family and grandparents I have grown to love and appreciate so much. 

Two weeks later, you were back home, with Multiple Sclerosis. I saw you the week before I left Burley for college, and felt so sad for you. I wanted to do something, to hang out with you one last time, and it never happened. I was at a loss for words that week, whenever I would see you, and it hurt way too much. Keeping in contact hardly ever happened, and that's where I found out that distance sucks, especially between best friends. three months later, you were calling me to tell me you had been cleared medically and were flying out for Canada for your mission. I was so happy for you and couldn't wait to write you. To hear all about Canada, the weather, the mission field, the people, and all of it. In just four short weeks, you were home again, this time without an expected date heading back to the mission field. I spent almost all of Christmas Vacation worried sick about you, hoping things would get better, that your health would improve, and that things were simply going okay for you. By January, I was sick of worry, doubt, and feeling of my heart literally breaking. I just couldn't take it anymore. I sent a text to your mom, just so I could see for myself that you were okay. I had to. Your mom graciously accepted my offer to drive out there, and drive out there we did. Of course, I didn't get a chance to talk to you by myself, with my mom, dad, baby sister, and friend with me, but seeing you was all the proof that I needed. 

Months went by before I was able to have a good solid conversation with you, and by the time I had a chance to talk to you again, everything had changed, Much like the Taylor Swift song. I found out you had broken up with your girlfriend for a chance to breathe, and in that time found new love interests as well. But this one came with a catch, the new love interest just happened to be one of my best friends, and the only one who was able to keep me sane during those trial periods. I almost dropped the phone when you told me the news. Many people have told me I have no reason to be upset, considering we are over and done with, and I need to move on. Yes, I know that, but I also know my heart, and it's gonna take more than a few months to heal this girl's broken heart.

I can't stand on the sidelines anymore and wait for our dreams to come true together. I always look back on those special moments of the two of us and  smile, knowing those were some of the best memories I hold dear. But, the promises we made aren't going to be waiting forever, and I know I can't stand back waiting. Or hoping. It's too hurtful. And it's not healthy. The pain is almost unbearable. I am grateful for our little blissful moments of eternity. I'm sorry for the harshness, but I just had to write it this way. But I do have to say thank you. Thank you for the memories. They were some of the best, and I will always cherish them. Thank-you for choosing to love a lonely girl like me, and for spending your time with me and money on me when you really didn't have to. Thank you for teaching me a little bit about love, and for being my first boyfriend. Thank you for all the fun and special conversations we shared together, and for treating me so great during our short time together. Thank you for listening to all the crazy things a teenage girl has on her mind, and for being non-judgemental. Thank you for hard times, sad times, confusing times and everything in between, for they have been some of the biggest trials and learning experiences of my life.
Thank you most of all for being a friend. I know things haven't been easy between us, but they have helped me in more ways than you will ever hear me say. Thank you for allowing me to love you unconditionally, and for being respectful and gentle, the way love should be.

Sincerely,
 A friend who loves you more than you could ever know